Okay, so now this may sound totally bizarre and out of place but ya, I suddenly had this outburst of random thoughts on why I do what I do at times.
Now before I get into the details, let me say this; I am generally known to be quite suppressed when it comes to expressing my feelings. And when I say feelings it generally includes stuff like anger also.
But then, there are these inexplicable situations where I turn into a total unreasonable beast of some kind. The kind that doesn't want to listen/ understand/ assess the situation.
Now I don't remember when this started or how I turned into this beast of a person who is otherwise quite docile but turns completely hostile within a split second.
What, who and when this happens is all subjective. A simple tap on the head at the wrong hour could be enough for me to lose it completely.
Now, what I did or how I reacted as a kid is something that I obviously wouldn't remember but the last time I remember turning into a monster of this kind was when I was in college.
After that, over these past so many years, I've somehow not had this outburst. It wasn't until very recently that I lost it when my mother was visiting.
She was at home and a simple argument about something that I don't very clearly remember now, was what instigated the whole fury. Now, before you start judging me, let me make it very clear that unlike the other times, I did not turn violent. this time it was more of a raising my voice and then going into the silent treatment mode.
What saddens me even now is that half of her vacation time was spoilt because yours truly decided to throw his weight around for some meagre issue. It was like this outburst of being completely immature. Believe it or not, I still find it hard to understand why I did what I did back then.
My mom went back feeling sad that her eldest son was being this rude monster and giving her the treatment that she didn't deserve in the first place.
Slowly with time, I sort of came to terms with myself and with the help of some close one's was eventually able to make peace with her. It was a simple case of picking up the phone and talking to her but at that time, the whole process seemed very awkward to me. Why it felt that way is another story altogether I guess.
The second of such an instance came almost 2 months later. This time the target was my little sister. When I say little, I don't literally mean little. Wouldn't want to showcase myself as being a guy who enjoys child abuse. She is just a year younger to me. If that clears the air for starters.
Anyways, this time around, the subject of conversation had something to do with food if I remember correctly. One thing led to the other and before I could realize it, it was too late. The damage was done. With tears rolling down her cheeks and fighting back words, she got up from where she was sitting and went into the bedroom.
The funny thing about all this is that after the incident, it hardly took me 5 minutes to realize what I had done. I had raised my hands on a girl who meant my life to me. What forced me into doing what I did was a mystery; or rather still is a mystery.
I hate my self for times like these. Not only does it upset all the people involved, it also spoils the whole homely atmosphere. I spent the whole night wondering why I did it and also how I could right the situation.
I must admit that I have recently discovered that I'm awfully bad with making up after an argument or fight. I go on this entire guilt trip not knowing how to set things straight.
Sometimes I wish I had some kind of time machine that I could use to just turn back time and ensure that such an incident never occurred in the first place. If only something like that was possible!
The funny thing here is that right after this happened, I suddenly felt like I should tell someone about what I just did and sort of seek assistance with handling the issue.
Rather than turning these thoughts into meaningful action, I ended sitting right where I was and breaking my head over why I had done it in the first place.
I guess it was not until bed time that I decided to put an end to this misery and just dropped a text to my sister saying sorry. It may have been a stupid gesture but at that time, it seemed like the best thing to do.
As I snug into my bed with an overflow of thoughts about the whole incident, this one question was what put me to sleep I guess that night; Do I really need anger management?.
Now before I get into the details, let me say this; I am generally known to be quite suppressed when it comes to expressing my feelings. And when I say feelings it generally includes stuff like anger also.
But then, there are these inexplicable situations where I turn into a total unreasonable beast of some kind. The kind that doesn't want to listen/ understand/ assess the situation.
Now I don't remember when this started or how I turned into this beast of a person who is otherwise quite docile but turns completely hostile within a split second.
What, who and when this happens is all subjective. A simple tap on the head at the wrong hour could be enough for me to lose it completely.
Now, what I did or how I reacted as a kid is something that I obviously wouldn't remember but the last time I remember turning into a monster of this kind was when I was in college.
After that, over these past so many years, I've somehow not had this outburst. It wasn't until very recently that I lost it when my mother was visiting.
She was at home and a simple argument about something that I don't very clearly remember now, was what instigated the whole fury. Now, before you start judging me, let me make it very clear that unlike the other times, I did not turn violent. this time it was more of a raising my voice and then going into the silent treatment mode.
What saddens me even now is that half of her vacation time was spoilt because yours truly decided to throw his weight around for some meagre issue. It was like this outburst of being completely immature. Believe it or not, I still find it hard to understand why I did what I did back then.
My mom went back feeling sad that her eldest son was being this rude monster and giving her the treatment that she didn't deserve in the first place.
Slowly with time, I sort of came to terms with myself and with the help of some close one's was eventually able to make peace with her. It was a simple case of picking up the phone and talking to her but at that time, the whole process seemed very awkward to me. Why it felt that way is another story altogether I guess.
The second of such an instance came almost 2 months later. This time the target was my little sister. When I say little, I don't literally mean little. Wouldn't want to showcase myself as being a guy who enjoys child abuse. She is just a year younger to me. If that clears the air for starters.
Anyways, this time around, the subject of conversation had something to do with food if I remember correctly. One thing led to the other and before I could realize it, it was too late. The damage was done. With tears rolling down her cheeks and fighting back words, she got up from where she was sitting and went into the bedroom.
The funny thing about all this is that after the incident, it hardly took me 5 minutes to realize what I had done. I had raised my hands on a girl who meant my life to me. What forced me into doing what I did was a mystery; or rather still is a mystery.
I hate my self for times like these. Not only does it upset all the people involved, it also spoils the whole homely atmosphere. I spent the whole night wondering why I did it and also how I could right the situation.
I must admit that I have recently discovered that I'm awfully bad with making up after an argument or fight. I go on this entire guilt trip not knowing how to set things straight.
Sometimes I wish I had some kind of time machine that I could use to just turn back time and ensure that such an incident never occurred in the first place. If only something like that was possible!
The funny thing here is that right after this happened, I suddenly felt like I should tell someone about what I just did and sort of seek assistance with handling the issue.
Rather than turning these thoughts into meaningful action, I ended sitting right where I was and breaking my head over why I had done it in the first place.
I guess it was not until bed time that I decided to put an end to this misery and just dropped a text to my sister saying sorry. It may have been a stupid gesture but at that time, it seemed like the best thing to do.
As I snug into my bed with an overflow of thoughts about the whole incident, this one question was what put me to sleep I guess that night; Do I really need anger management?.
